Seagulls have a regurgitation button on their beaks…


Two games left, then what will I do? Well, I certainly won’t have to talk to a camera on the end of a stick in the middle of busy High Streets, or go into other clubs’ home ends poking said stick in the faces of people who would rather have their faces left untelevised.

But then I will miss the uncertainty, the not knowing where I’m going to be one day to the next. Oh I don’t know. Plusses, minuses…less beer, less curry and 2 months to write an entire book.

Watch the penultimate game of my marathon season here:

Look, it’s Data from The Goonies reading my book!

datalargeHe’s either saying a) ‘It’s the best book I’ve ever read, apart from Penny Smith’s recent novel and that one by Jodie Marsh and the climactic passages of Jordan’s, if you’ll pardon the expression’, b) ‘Can I stop pulling this faux interested face now please, my chops are about to seize up’ or c) ‘did anyone proof read this book?’.

Thanks to Red Morris for the photo.

End of season GH booze binge – 16th May!!


End of season drinks. Not a corporate free-drink affair – just me, slumped over a bar, drinking myself bloody for approximately 24 hours. All invited to come and watch/take part. Saturday 16th May 12pm at Freemasons Arms, 81-82 Longacre, Covent Garden, That London. This is the pub where I randomly drew Grimsby out of a cheap top hat back in August. So I think it’s appropriate that Glory dies here too. I’m more than likely leaving the country 14 days later, so please pop along for a bit at least and allow me to slur your name back at you after you’ve reminded me who you are (especially family).

I am Millwall. No-one likes me.

picture-18It had to happen. I ended up at Millwall. And then I didn’t. The spate of giant cigarettes attacking football grounds continues and I’ve had an emotional a brush with going home when I delved into the history of the Lions.

The club was formed at a factory about 200 yards from my flat, and I spent a little bit of time stalking the life I had ten months ago by hanging onto the railings like a dangling cretin; staring at my barbecue and green Asda chair sitting on the decking just where I left them. The tennant hasn’t cleaned the windows. Or watered the spring onions.

Then I looked down at my dirty old trainers (which for some reason had a tomato seed on the front), curry-stained jeans, beer-infused jacket and felt like a proper tramp. No fixed abode. Then I trod in the orangest dog mess I’ve ever seen. I started to wonder what I’ll do next. Make sure you register on this site to find out…it’s definitely not going to be 9-5 somewhere on the Picadilly Line. Meantime, see my latest ITV episode here:

London Road or road to London?

picture-15The football season’s right at the slippery end of its nipple, and every game spills its bosom of fate into paths of ever decreasing possibilities. Millwall is the closest ground to my home these days…is Madam fate slowly pushing me to the safe bra of home? Or will I stay all Posh? Check my latest webisode:

Other news is that I’ve nearly finished designing the cover for the book, which comes out in August. There’s something therapeutic about cutting out people’s cannisters on the computer. I’ll put the images up here when it’s all finalised. Now…I kind of need to write the book as well. Has anyone got any good words I could use?

Me + A Speedway bike = shouting

picture-13My need for speed is minimal. I think it’s fine, as long as you slow down. Chill out baby child. During my week off from the footballness, I visited the Peterborough Panthers Speedway team and got the guts gumphed out of me. Speedway bikes have no brakes. Put brakes on them. Just put brakes on them. For the love of sweet Aled Jones and the backing singers of Pink Floyd’s Brick in the Wall. Please.

See my run in with the ‘Peterborough Panthers’ at

Me and Fabio Capello

Many of you won’t have known that myself and England manager Fabio are bestest friends. Sometimes we hold hands, but only on the little fingers. Sometimes he calls me at night to listen to me breathing. I know that he likes his aubergines mashed. Sometimes it scares me how close we are.  It’s a strange pairing, but we actually met on the set of ‘Police Camera Action’, where Fabio was a suspect in a car-jacking. Turned out he didn’t do it. How we laugh at that now. Anyway, you can see my special day with Fabio on my latest episode on right here: Episode 66