QYPE Word on the Beach Competition…latest

Three days to go. Three days to go. I’ve raped my contact lists, molested Facebook and categorically fumbled all over Twitter. Vote for me! Vote for me! (I can now type those words faster than my own name).

But my reach is limited. I don’t rack up friends of friends of friends of friends of…(you get the picture), just to swell my address book…but now I wish I had.

I am the Tiny Tim of social networking. I am a ZX Spectrum trying to cross a busy road of shiny Macbooks. Even when I look in the mirror, it comes out pixilated. But I am trying.

MISSION: MANKINI

3 days to go until Ibiza. Mission: find a mankini.

I promised the online community (and several branches of the Salvation Army) that if on the first day of voting, I got to 200 votes, I will vow to don a mankini in a top Ibiza nightspot.

Do I regret pledging to do that? Yes. Will I regret it futher? Yes. Will Big Dave suddenly develop strange new feelings for me? Hopefully not. Do I like Caramac? Not relevant.

A fancy dress shop. Will they let me try one on? If so, does that mean some other sweaty oaf has already tried it on? Am I mixing groinal juices with a sweaty carbuncle of a man called Graham? OK, I won’t try it on. I’ll just trust it has the elasticity, integrity and sheer cubic metres to maintain the sum total of my manliness. Actually, looking at pictures of them, I suppose they are a sort of organ-hoist; a gravitational solution for the slabs; a slingshot for the holy walnuts. They’re designed to cope with reproductive stature.

How can I pay for a mankini on credit card? Credit cards are for proper grown ups, and here I am, with a face as deadpan as a slapped bulldog, paying for a piece of cloth that will make me look like a gay caveman with my grown up credit card. I hope this is all worth it…

Come on…you could vote for someone who buys a nice brown hat and films it…or you could vote for a great slathering hunk of white flesh wobbling like an uncertain marshmallow in a mankini…VOTE FOR ME!! http://onthebeach.blog.qype.com/?page_id=11

I’ve won something! Look, I’ve won something!

I don’t win anything. Never ever. EVER. The lottery? Nah. The bingo? Nope. Arguments with myself over which sock to put on first? No way.  The battle between good and evil? Not once. I couldn’t even win a nosebleed. Not even a kick up the pipe.

So…imagine my surprise…(you must have known this was coming) when having popped onto Qype – this great review site – to do a write-up of my favouritest beach ever (EVER), someone gets in touch to tell me I’ve gone and won something. Grab me by the nostrils and call me Edna…they’re only sending me off on holiday for nothing! For free! For nuppence! Nada! And it looks like, if the plane journey goes as most do for me, I might even win that nosebleed after all!

This is so much better than a kick up the pipe.

All I did was sit down and scuff out a few words…(click here please thank you)…about the Perhentian Islands in Malaysia…and suddenly, through On The Beach I’m taking my mate Big Dave off to that Ibiza…where we’ll most likely use dark sunglasses on the beach to hide the fact that we can’t stop staring at those floppy white boobs oozing like a warm brie off that large lady from Carlisle. (And other activities).

But that’s only the start of it, Gareth (that’s my nickname for you), I’ve now got the chance to become the Qype Word on the Beach Blogger! (oh, and to win another holiday). There are 3 of us left in the competition, and we’ve got to do all sorts of videoing, writing, eating and sitting on beaches being reviewers (I expect I’ll pull my reviewer face, which looks a little bit like you’d imagine Aled Jones to look like during a semi-serious car crash).

So, my first assignment is this video below – about all the preparations for leaving. I leave on 2nd August, with Big Dave sweating conspicuously like a big hairy grapefruit next to me, and there’ll be all sorts of blogs and videos to come. Then you have to vote for me (after 16th August, when we’ve got back). You’ll do that for me, won’t you Gareth? Oh, and if you’d like to leave comments, please specify which Gareth you are.

There’ll be another blog arriving soon, so if you wouldn’t mind waiting there until I’ve finished it, that’d be great. And I’d prefer it if you didn’t pop to the toilet – the thought of that would wreck my train of the thought. Thanks.

Uncle Traveling Spencer.

Qype Word on the Beach Blog 1 from Spencer Austin on Vimeo.

Spencer Austin’s first blog…a very brief guide to diagnosing whether you need a beach holiday…and then preparing for one.